Saturday, January 13, 2007

Someone Is Missing

It seems like forever I've had this feeling that someone is missing from our family. When Paul was about two I started to wonder if we would adopt again. Once we adopted Kim and Paul, the plight of homeless children seemed to weigh on my mind heavily. We love children. We love our adopted children in that same, eternal, no-way-to-find-words-to-express-it way. We've been in "child mode" and will be for some time. By that I mean our lives revolve around our children and our family. So often, I couldn't help but think that it would be so easy to incorporate another child into our busy, but happy lives. I would think of the world's homeless children on a daily basis. I would pray for them many, many times every day. What could I do for them? But it was so much more than that, it was this feeling that someone was actually missing from our family. Especially on really happy occasions, I always felt a longing sadness because I just kept feeling like someone was missing.
Fastforward through the birth of Patrick almost five years ago and years of daily prayer with a longing in my heart for our missing child. Even though we had Patrick, I still felt like someone was missing. I once had this very vivid dream about a little girl with curly black hair standing outside, just waiting for me to come and get her. I could never get her out of my mind.
So why didn't we just go ahead and adopt again? Lots of reasons but mostly, because my husband, Eric, didn't feel like someone was missing. He is a wonderful father and we have a great relationship and he just felt like our family was complete. I prayed silent prayers, every single day, often several times a day, that God would change Eric's heart OR that God would take this haunting feeling of missing away from me. I prayed for YEARS. There were so many times where I felt God was silent and far away. He just didn't seem to be changing either of our hearts. He didn't seem to be listening. Sometimes I was mad at God. Often, I didn't understand His silence.
And then last summer, about the same time I had finally accepted that this was just something that was never going to happen, God placed it in Eric's heart to adopt. When Eric and I first spoke about it I couldn't believe it. I actually told Eric that HE would have to be the one to call Holt about it if he was really serious about adopting again. I even gave him the legal three days to back out :-)
And, so we now wait, for that little person who has been missing for so long. I know it could possibly be a boy, but for some reason, I feel sure it will be a little girl. I wonder if she will have black curly hair.

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