Thursday, May 17, 2007

Adoption Is Happy. Adoption Is Sad.

It's been a long week. Not a bad week, just very, very LONG. I thought that if I kept busy (I kept CRAZY busy) the week would go fast. It didn't. It's like I have peaked from the excitement of expecting the referral, week after week, and now I almost feel like it will never happen! And yet I can't get my mind off of it. Anyhoo...

One thing I did this week was go with Kim to do a presentation on Korea in her class. I will do one with Paul next week. It's a great opportunity to talk about their birth culture which I feel is very important to feeling positive about themselves. I also explain adoption to their classmates. The trick for me is to not get teary eyed when I get to the part about how birth mothers make an adoption plan and the child goes to live with their forever family-forever. Is it possible to not feel emotional when I feel such a sense of awe, respect and love for their birthmothers? Not to mention the feelings of love beyond comprehension for my kids. I am my kids forever mother. I get teary eyed just typing it!

That reminds me of the time while making Kim's lifebook, which is the story of her birth and adoption, and we were working on the page where her birthmother made an adoption plan for her and it was time for her to relinquish her. I could only imagine how she must have grieved. I couldn't help but cry. Kim gave me a hug and told me, "It's okay Mom. Don't cry, it was for the best." I felt a reverse of roles, that I always expected to be the one comforting her, not the other way around. Adoption is happy, but it can also be sad--for everyone in the adoption triad.

Just today we were at the zoo and completely out of the blue Paul asked me if his birthmother was married. More questions followed the answer. There was nothing that I could attribute this question coming from. I think it just shows that our kids do think about their past a lot. Our adopted children DO have a past and they always will. I'm so glad my kids can come to me and talk about it and I like to make them feel like it's the most natural thing in the world. And it's not like a daily conversation, we actually often go months without talking about it. But it's hard. It's a loss. Sometimes they cry. Sometimes I cry. And I'm sure, sometimes their birthmothers cry.

It's a sadness that will always be there for my kids; sometimes deep down inside, others, right at the surface. And as much as we might like to erase the past, to keep them from feeling sad, to keep ourselves from feeling sad, we can't erase it.

And we shouldn't try.

1 comment:

Christina said...

It is hard. And it is sad. I've been surprised lately by my feelings of jealousy when my daughter talks about her "Cambodia Mom" ... I never expected to feel that. But I know that it's good for her to talk about what she is thinking and feeling and I want her to feel safe with me - so I push away those jealous twinges and remind myself that I am the one who was blessed to raise R~...and what a miracle that is, for me.