Thursday, May 24, 2007

God Confuses Me

Sometimes it is so easy to see God's hand in life. Sometimes it is not.

You all know how anxious and excited we were to get "the call." The referral!!! Our match at long last! OUR CHILD! Well, the call came. But it didn't turn out as I had dreamed all those months. We had to say no.

No? How could we possibly say no??? We were matched with a baby who was just over a year old. I LOVE babies. LOVE babies, but not like a normal human. I really, really, really love babies. This baby had a special need that we were very open to so it wasn't the special need, it was the age.

Since we began this adoption journey almost a year ago we agreed that this time we would adopt an older child. Our youngest child is now five and our oldest is 24. We had our first baby at the tender ages of 19 and 20 and we are now 44. As sad as it was to admit it, we felt it was time to leave the baby years behind. We were ready to adopt an older child. One who might find a harder time finding a family simply because they are older. We were excited to have someone closer in age to Patrick since Paul and Kim are a year apart in age and are like two peas in a pod. We knew that this time, an older child would be a perfect match for our family.

So, when we finally got that magical call and we were told it was a young baby I didn't really know what to say. "Yes!" was my first thought! "Oh, no!" was my second thought! "How did this happen?" was my third thought. I can't even remember what I said to our social worker but I think I mumbled something dumb like, "But we were thinking we would be matched with a child who is at least three." Eric and I briefly conferred, but we both agreed, this wasn't the match for us.

Here's what's weird. I feel strongly that matches are almost always God given. I had prayed about this issue SO MUCH! I prayed God would bring the perfect child for our family. I know our agency actually prays before selecting which child will go to which family. I just couldn't see how God would let this happen. I wasn't mad or upset. I was sad. And confused. I still am. I've thought over and over again that maybe God really did want us to have this baby but I keep coming to the same conclusion.

Just when I think I am figuring out how God works, He sends me for a loop!

Well, there's going to be a happy ending. We WILL have our match soon. Even though I am confused by how God is working in all of this I know that He DOES have a plan. God will bring the right child home to us. STAY TUNED- YOU WILL HEAR SOMETHING VERY SOON :-)


Christina said...

That must have been a very hard decision. We had a similar situation, we were offered a referral for a 3 year old Thai girl before VN reopened. I was very confused... I kept thinking, "but then what would happen to our Vietnamese boy?" And we just couldn't get peace about it... so we turned the referral down and now we have Zeeb. And it feels like it was meant to be. So, I can't explain it, but I look forward to hearing about the child who is a perfect fit for your family. :-)

maxhelcal said...

Wow! I firmly believe you have to go with your gut. How difficult to do though especially when the wait is really getting to you.

I can't wait to hear about who you are finally matched with! :-) (do you know something to be sure it's gonna be real soon?) The suspense! I will keep checking for the update!


Gretchen W said...

I know how hard that decision was, because we did the exact same thing. And we have Lana home now, and I know she is the right child for us. I know it's a cliche, but, I believe it's true - The Lord works in mysterious ways.