Monday, March 2, 2009

GUILT

School has been tough since I returned from TX, mostly because it's the end of the term but also because we have a big group project (and I do not like group projects!!!).

Usually, I feel like I'm balancing things fairly well, only because I get so much help from my husband and older kids. But with more time away from home I'm feeling mother-guilt.

This is the third night in a week that the little boys have already been asleep when I got home. It really hurts my heart because I love tucking them in--and they love Mommy snuggles. I don't like being away from my kids! I don't want to miss out on anything! I find myself questioning whether this was really the best time to finish my degree.

Then again, I remember the day we pulled out of the orphanage gates in Vietnam and I looked up at the faces of those children remaining behind. Their forlorn looks are forever etched in my mind.
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It's time. But it's hard. (For those who don't know, I'm finishing my BS, then will get my MSW and work in international child welfare and adoption.)

Sigh. This stinks. I even took pictures in hopes of waking my boys up but no luck.
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Note to self--in next life, finish college before having kids.

5 comments:

amber said...

I know that you miss your kids when you are so busy... but remember that there are good lessons to be learned by all of your family when you are not constantly catering to their every whim. For example, how to give and recieve comfort from someone OTHER than Mom. Also, you are setting such a good example for your children and training to make a difference in the lives of children around the world. Moms are there to tuck you in much of the time, but they also deserve a life of their own. In fact, I believe that too many moms don't have enough of a life of their own -- one of the best lessons you can teach your kids is that you are a strong, smart, interesting person to be admired on many levels. Someone to look up to -- how special they feel and how lucky to know that YOU are THEIR MOM and even if you have a lot going on, they know that they are YOUR #1 priority when the chips are down.

Sally- That Girl! said...

Ann, I agree get college done prior to having kids, but guess what I got mine after kids! I think it was good for them to see me working hard for something that would not only benefit us but others. I do feel I set a good example for them. Mother's guilt is so real and we have it over everything. You are an awesome mommy when you are there and you are there more than most! Let the guilt go, what an example you are giving to them! However, with that said you only know whether this is right for your family or not. Take it to God, listen and He will lead you!

sandwichinwi said...

They will be so proud of you when it is done! You ARE there for them, as the other girls said, more than most.

Tuck a little note and a kiss (hershey-style--hey, who cares about clean teeth!) on their pillow when you will not be there at bedtime. And when you come home, give them a kiss, but maybe put a little lipstick on first. They'll love to see the tangible evidence that you DID come in and kiss them goodnight!

So what are you going to do with your MSW in international child welfare? Work for Holt? Seriously, I'm dying to know what you can really do with it!

Blessings,
Sandwich

WAJ said...

It must be busy and you feel you're missing out but I agree that it's good for them to see that you are a person with interests and ambitions that don't always directly involve them. It's too MUCH pressure on them if we moms don't at least have a hobby. Sometimes I feel I'm falling into that trap and it's hard to balance it but you of all people know how to balance! You must remember that you are there most of the time...and they love their dad & siblings too :)Good luck!

Stevens Family said...

Hang in there. I know its so hard but it'll pay off. You'll be such an asset to the adoption community (well, you alreay are but I mean in a professional way, LOL).