Tuesday, December 1, 2009

WARNING: Do Not Shave While Driving

In honor of No Shave November (it's still November, right?  Please tell me it is still November!  I need to remain in denial!) . . . 

And also in honor of the OSU Beavers who proudly participate in No Shave November (if you don't know who the Beavers are then you are definitely living under a pigskin, and need to watch them beat the Ducks on ESPN on Thursday) . . .

But first.  Have you ever wondered about some of those really dumb labels on things.  Like the one about coffee being hot?  How dumb is that??? 

Well, I'm beginning to understand those labels better.

So, it's November so I've been practicing the "No Shave" thing.  What I won't do for the Beavers!  Ya know!  The sacrifices I make!   I'm such a big fan I sometimes practice the no-shave thing even when it's not November!

But this really was November but it was a nice day so I was wearing a pair of capris.  And Hubby and I were in a really big rush to get across town because his sister just had ankle surgery.  So, we're in a rush but we decide to stop at the store to get her a care package.  Well, right before we get to the store I realize that I really need to shave my legs.  Really.  And, like I said, I was wearing capris.  And we would be sitting in a hospital waiting room where I was sure everyone would be horrified at the lady with the foot-long leg hair! 

What to do?  What to do?

Never fear blog readers!  You know I am waaay smart!  You know this brilliant mind is going to figure something out!  (You were thinking that already, weren't you???)

So, when we stop at Target, I buy some razors.  Dry shaving can't be so bad, can it?  Honestly, I've never tried it before.  It just seems like it would hurt and I've heard people complain about razor burn.  At this point, I figure it's better than being mortified in the waiting room.

Once we get in the car I pull out the razors.  Hubby looks at me strangely.  After a long pause he says, "What are you doing?"
Well, duh!  What does he think I'm doing? 

I inform him that he's going to drive and I'm going to shave.


"I trust you."


"Just don't hit any red lights and don't brake and it'll be fine."

Knowing any more words will just dissipate into thin air, Hubby begins to drive, shaking his head in disbelief.  I begin to shave.  I am amazed to find it doesn't hurt at all!  What are people talking about when they say dry shaving hurts??

Hubby DOES hit a red light--didn't I tell him not to?  I'm so smart I see it coming, stop shaving, then start again.  The guy in the car next to us looks over and does a double take when he sees me taking a razor to my legs. 

Hubby: "Great!  The guy thinks I just picked up a prostitute!"

Me: "Naw, he thinks you're my pimp and you just saw my legs and are making me shave!"

Hubby: Speechless

So, I'm thinking I'm darn smart.  Legs look great! 

But a closer look reveals legs that look dry.  Very dry.  Razor dry.  I rummage for some lotion.  No good.  Now I imagine everyone in the hospital waiting room looking at my legs and wondering if I have some kind of contagious H1N1 eczema on my legs or something.  I dig deeper into the jockey box.  I dig deeper into my purse.  The only thing I can find is Carmex lip gloss.

No good.

Then this smart brain of mine starts thinking again.  Hmmmm.  Lip gloss.  Just a thicker form of lotion, right?  I try a little.  It works great!  I'm so smart they should put me on one of those game shows for smart people!

NOW my legs look beautiful, clean-shaven, smooth, and they even smell . . . like mint!  Wow!

We go into the hospital and meet up with other family members.  We sit in the waiting room.  I'm gladder than ever that I came up with my brilliant solution.  We sit and sit and sit.  It seems my SIL broke her ankle even worse than they thought.

We sit some more.  And at some point I begin to realize that razor burn must start to hurt AFTER the fact.  Because my legs are really starting to BURN!  And it's getting worse and worse!

I finally lean over and whisper to Hubby that my legs really hurt and I'm not sure if it's the razor burn or the Carmex.

He gives me this look of disbelief.  Again, he is speechless (rare).  Finally he murmurs, "You know, it's a good thing we're in a hospital so we can get you examined!"

"It's not THAT bad!"  I retort.

He shakes his head and gives me a wry smile, "Not your legs!  Your HEAD!"

Now I was speechless.

I'm happy to report my legs quit hurting.  After a week.  Or two.

And I think I understand warning labels a lot better now.


Mei Mei s and Mayhem said...

this is so hilarious!! And I have to admit that I have made that mistake before when I had no time for water or shaving cream but not in the car! ha

Thanks for the giggle today!! Miss you! I got your new address too, thanks.

Alex and Riann said...

Wish you had an audio comment button on here, because I am roaring with laughter....!!!

Alex and Riann said...

I can hardly type for laughing...

thecurryseven said...

I can always count on you to brighten my day! And about not wanting November to end...I have a friend who didn't want Sept. to start, so she added an extra month to Aug. So she had Aug. 32, 33, 34, etc. You could follow the same logic which would make today Nov. 33.

asian~treasures said...

: ) Too funny!!