Friday, April 13, 2012

The Journey: Redemption Part 4

Thank you to those who have shared your own stories in my comments.  You are a blessing.

Tonight I will conclude my story of redemption--tho it isn't really a conclusion so much as a new beginning. 
In China, once I began to realize the seriousness of Mei Mei's delays I felt a rising fear.  It's weird that Hubby and I didn't talk a lot about it, it was almost like we both wanted to pretend everything was okay--so then it would be.  And we were busy sightseeing, completing paperwork, and enjoying getting to know our new, beautiful daughter. 

But once we got home, we both knew that Mei Mei had some big developmental delays, particularly when it came to social development.  Words sprang to my mind like "institutional autism" and "spectrum disorder." 

Our commitment to Mei Mei never wavered, but one night, shortly after coming home, Mei Mei's delays hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep.  Rising fear began gripping my heart like a vice, filling my mind with fiery darkness.

I began to cry.

And I began to cry out to God.

"Oh God I am so afraid right now!  My mind is going a hundred miles an minute and I don't know where to turn!"

Fear not, for I am with you!

"But God, I don't even know how to begin to help Mei Mei!  I don't even understand WHAT her special needs are!  I'm so confused!"

It's okay.  Don't worry.  I understand what you do not.  I'm going to lead you each step of the way.  I am already lining up people to help--I will give you understanding as I see fit.  I have everything under control. 

I saw Mei Mei's distress.  I CHOSE you to be her mother.

But I don't even know how we will find a proper school placement for Mei Mei in the fall!"

Trust me.  Do you think this challenge is too big for me?

LONG PAUSE as God nods his head, then gently smiles at me with a look of curious amusement.  He rubs his chin and then His grin begins to spread into a full-blown, all knowing smile . . .

And at that moment my heart broke!  My heart completely broke for our sweet little girl!  My own fears were released to Heaven Above, replaced by the truth that Mei Mei is exactly where God intended.  OUR FAMILY!  And while we may not know exactly what her special needs are, or how we are going to address them, we've got time.  A lifetime. 


"A father to the fatherless, defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.  God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy."   ~Psalm 68:5,6


Mamita J said...

It's good to be in over our heads. That's when we trust Jesus with everything. :-) We only have one adopted kid. I thought all adoptive parents went through the sleepless anxiety, wrestling with fear thing. Rest in the God who gave Mei Mei to you. He knows what He's doing.

Nancy said...

Sending you luv from way over here in the desert.
Surrender is tough. I know. You know. And that knowing doesn't make it any easier to surrender.
He perfectly picked you.

kathy said...

The Lord does not give you more than you handle. May the Peace of The Lord be with You.

"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

Sometimes....I am just so glad God knows....and will walk with us. I am often scared about a lot of things, and yet God has walked with us. PRAYING!!!